isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
