best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
