did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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