I met the friendliest cop last night
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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