Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
