Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
