I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
