True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
