At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
