Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
