I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You work out of a Hotel?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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