I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
