i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
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they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.