Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
