1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
