What a fucking waste of an outfit
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
