Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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