I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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