I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
