There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
