I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
