just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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