I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
you had me at cake vodka
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
