She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
