My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
