So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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