My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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