The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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