I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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