Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My bed smells like the plague
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
