In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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