there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
