it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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