just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
