Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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