You just made me feel so damn special
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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