I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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