He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
