i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
