Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
