Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
