Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
40s are totally the cure
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
