i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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