i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
