direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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