i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
