I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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