Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
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I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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