Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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