Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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