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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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