Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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