My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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