I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
