Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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